Bye, Berlin.

It turns out, I didn't get the scholarship that would have been my saving grace, and made it easier/possible to go back to Germany and do the PhD. It's unfortunate, and I'm upset about it. But, I also have to remember that it was never a given. And I've already achieved so much in my time abroad. It looks like my international adventure is coming to an end, at least for the time being.

So, I might have "failed" in a sense. But, I have failed spectacularly. 

Last (?) blog from Berlin

And, as is tradition with this blog, here is a picture of my freshly packed Koffer

I've lived in this room for the last 15 months. I don't feel weird about leaving it per se, it's more of a strange feeling of going on to the next chapter of my life without exactly knowing what that chapter is going to look like. I've been hearing from friends and family and people who love me that everything is going to turn out okay.

So far, I've sent out 104 applications for jobs in the US, Germany, and other countries. It's all a bit nerve-wracking and I don't know what's going to happen. But, I feel like with my experience and degrees and languages and motivation, the only thing that could go wrong is I somehow fail to represent that in my resume or my cover letter doesn't convey it correctly for whatever reason. It's there; I know it is, I just hope someone recognizes it.

It kind of all boils down to waiting to hear back about that scholarship from the University. If they say yes, then all of this frantic applying will have been for naught. If they say no (which is likely), hopefully one of my attempts to find gainful employment will be fruitful.

I suppose I will know more after next Tuesday.

I'm going back and forth

on coming back to Berlin after I go to the US for a month (ha. see what I did there?) My plan is...I don't know...to go there from the 26th of September to the 21st of October. At least I'm looking forward to seeing my family and friends and eating food and enjoying California weather.

The scholarship committee pushed back their decision date. I won't know now until September 29th. Also, the final transcript of my MA will probably not be ready for the official admission to the PhD program on the 19th of October. I have my appointment with the foreigner office on the 10th of November, which is just inconvenient because I might not get my visa extended and then have to leave the country after being back in Berlin for two weeks. (also finding an apartment? buh)

In the past three weeks, I've applied for about 50 jobs in the US, Germany, and a couple of other places. So far, all I've made it to is the second round of a mostly unpaid position in Peru, which would be cool other than the no money part. All the other things are mired in bureaucracy, meaning I will have to wait until mid to late October to hear back. I also have an interview next week for a job at a bookstore in Berlin to keep me afloat, should I decide to come back and the person in the foreigner office decides to be merciful. There are so many uncertainties and I feel defeated and overwhelmed. It's all like a giant chain of events/syllogism: If A, then B, then C but if not A but B, then not C and also if 4 then 9 and purple but also § and ?..... oh :(

It's possibly my last weekend living in Berlin, and my throat hurts and I'm just laying here, spinning my bogged-down wheels and sifting through stale job ads. Hope something gives soon. 

Bruchzone

So I hope one day very soon my blog/videos/life won't have this "wah wah I don't know what's going on" flavor that they've been having for the past...while. But anyways here's a video. 

I'm from Nipomo

What I want

Been thinking about this a lot. Since turning in my thesis and finishing up most of what I need to do for my jobs, I've had a lot of time to reflect on the current state of things. I've also unfortunately been receiving a lot of rejection letters for jobs and scholarships and whatnot, which feels a bit like an ever-tightening noose, but I guess that's neither here nor there.

The bigger question is: what do I want?

I am slated to start my PhD in October, which includes teaching a class (that starts the same day I fly back) on my dissertation topic: the proposed sociological benefits of a residence period in Germany. It sounds okay in theory, but, again, no funding. Also, I'm still feeling that insecurity of wondering whether I'm legit enough to successfully finish a PhD. I guess if I don't get the funding, it won't matter. In any case, I think mostly what I want with this whole endeavor is to

 self-actualize (which I suppose I could do in other ways)

 be active in/research a field that I feel strongly about (but does that necessarily have to be here and now in this form?)

 be comfortable and stable for the first time in a while (which would only be the illusion of safety)

So, as you can see, I shall go forth with confidence. Assuredness abounds!

Talkin

Long story short: I'm doing stuff, I guess.