I'm from Nipomo

What I want

Been thinking about this a lot. Since turning in my thesis and finishing up most of what I need to do for my jobs, I've had a lot of time to reflect on the current state of things. I've also unfortunately been receiving a lot of rejection letters for jobs and scholarships and whatnot, which feels a bit like an ever-tightening noose, but I guess that's neither here nor there.

The bigger question is: what do I want?

I am slated to start my PhD in October, which includes teaching a class (that starts the same day I fly back) on my dissertation topic: the proposed sociological benefits of a residence period in Germany. It sounds okay in theory, but, again, no funding. Also, I'm still feeling that insecurity of wondering whether I'm legit enough to successfully finish a PhD. I guess if I don't get the funding, it won't matter. In any case, I think mostly what I want with this whole endeavor is to

 self-actualize (which I suppose I could do in other ways)

 be active in/research a field that I feel strongly about (but does that necessarily have to be here and now in this form?)

 be comfortable and stable for the first time in a while (which would only be the illusion of safety)

So, as you can see, I shall go forth with confidence. Assuredness abounds!