I'm losing

I've just received the last rejection email from Cairo. This means I'll be staying in Berlin and hopefully starting a PhD this fall at the same university where I'm doing my Master's right now. Like I've mentioned before, this is not a very good idea because I won't be able to pay for it with my savings. Also, historically speaking, I haven't been doing too hot with applications so I'm not really sure if I can get a scholarship.

Let us reflect momentarily on the following words from Queen Bey...

And that's the gospel truth. 

I feel like I wasted a lot of time and energy on all of these research proposals that I probably should have spent working on my thesis (but didn't because escapism) 

I'm not really into feeling positive right now.  Sometimes, I have the energy for that. Sometimes, I feel like it doesn't matter what these random committees tell me what they think about me from reading pieces of paper. Sometimes, I remember that I speak multiple languages, have two bachelor's degrees and will very soon have a master's degree without ever relying on my parents for money. But, not really right now. 

I guess I'm losing but I haven't lost.