CSU/IP Interview

During my undergrad, I spent a  year at Heidelberg University with the California State University International Program. This is kinda why I started the whole "being abroad" thing. After working another 6 months for that program, I ended up moving to Berlin to start the GSP. Our coordinator from the CSU/IP contacted me recently, saying that they were looking to skype people in to record interviews and, given that I know how difficult it is to get alumni of exchange programs to say yes to anything, I immediately agreed. Here's the final product: an overview of the eleven selected members of the CSU/IP alumni.

feelings

I've been feeling very anxious lately.

↑ it me.

And I'm pretty sure that's just how it's going to be until...March of next year. That's the point (conservatively estimated) to which I can live in Berlin after I stop working in September and my money runs out. This, in conjunction with the actual things I have to accomplish (thesis, applications, job, whatever) and the other social pressures of generally being a human being have made me into a fun little ball of stress and back pain. I'm sure I'm very pleasant to be around at the moment so, for everyone that has had to put up with that: THANK YOU. ummmm yes, so this has been the theme of this post and my life, recently

I'm losing

I've just received the last rejection email from Cairo. This means I'll be staying in Berlin and hopefully starting a PhD this fall at the same university where I'm doing my Master's right now. Like I've mentioned before, this is not a very good idea because I won't be able to pay for it with my savings. Also, historically speaking, I haven't been doing too hot with applications so I'm not really sure if I can get a scholarship.

Let us reflect momentarily on the following words from Queen Bey...

And that's the gospel truth. 

I feel like I wasted a lot of time and energy on all of these research proposals that I probably should have spent working on my thesis (but didn't because escapism) 

I'm not really into feeling positive right now.  Sometimes, I have the energy for that. Sometimes, I feel like it doesn't matter what these random committees tell me what they think about me from reading pieces of paper. Sometimes, I remember that I speak multiple languages, have two bachelor's degrees and will very soon have a master's degree without ever relying on my parents for money. But, not really right now. 

I guess I'm losing but I haven't lost. 

Video update

anxiety

I went to the library I don't normally go to and my computer fell and broke. I blame the hectic energy and rushed feeling I always get when I go there.

My back is tweaked again and I was just starting to get a rhythm going with working out.

A friend of mine is going through a difficult time and I can't help but feel like I'm not doing enough for her.

Still have no idea what I'm going to do after September (except the one plan that is unsustainable)

Everything is a bit overwhelming at the moment.

But I have 31 pages and I'm going to the library.

One step at a time.

Setback

I have 16 rough pages of my thesis done. It's getting more and more difficult to focus on writing because the weather is finally getting good. Also, academia and I are not on good terms at the moment, as I just got my penultimate rejection email. I applied to four PhD programs and one MA certificate program and so far, three of the PhD programs have rejected me. It's not that I'm actually very sad about the rejection, (I could have written the best proposal in the world, but if they don't want my topic/profile then that's that) I'm mostly upset about the fact that this means I still don't know what I'm going to be doing or where I'm going to be doing it after September.

Current plan is to register for the Global Studies Program PhD and see if I can find funding somewhere else. I'm not a huge fan of this plan, as it basically means pretending to write while desperately searching for a job/scholarship and thereby reverting back to a place I hoped I had left behind. I doubt I'll get into the last PhD program and the MA certificate in Egypt seems like such a long shot.

I'm really hoping for some good news...

House-sitting and thesis-writing

Here I am, somewhere between Potsdam and Berlin, taking care of one small dog and four small cats.

I'm sitting on the balcony. It's currently 22° and this makes me happy beyond measure. I've really come to notice how utterly correlated the temperature is with my mood. Sun out = smiles.

I was expecting to get a few things done out here. Mostly just starting the actual writing part of my thesis. It's gone well these last couple days. I have an unedited 10 pages done so far which is 1/6th of the way there. I hope to be able to maintain this pace and be completely done by June.

Which leads me to the next question: what next?

I've received two rejection letters from potential PhD programs thus far. It's not a great feeling but, in comparison to applying for my master's, it's not really that bad. I know I have options. I speak 3 languages fluently, I'll have a degree from two prestigious universities in different countries, I'm hustlin and I'll find something. I'd just like for it to manifest itself sooner rather than later.