I'm from Nipomo

What I want

Been thinking about this a lot. Since turning in my thesis and finishing up most of what I need to do for my jobs, I've had a lot of time to reflect on the current state of things. I've also unfortunately been receiving a lot of rejection letters for jobs and scholarships and whatnot, which feels a bit like an ever-tightening noose, but I guess that's neither here nor there.

The bigger question is: what do I want?

I am slated to start my PhD in October, which includes teaching a class (that starts the same day I fly back) on my dissertation topic: the proposed sociological benefits of a residence period in Germany. It sounds okay in theory, but, again, no funding. Also, I'm still feeling that insecurity of wondering whether I'm legit enough to successfully finish a PhD. I guess if I don't get the funding, it won't matter. In any case, I think mostly what I want with this whole endeavor is to

 self-actualize (which I suppose I could do in other ways)

 be active in/research a field that I feel strongly about (but does that necessarily have to be here and now in this form?)

 be comfortable and stable for the first time in a while (which would only be the illusion of safety)

So, as you can see, I shall go forth with confidence. Assuredness abounds!

Talkin

Long story short: I'm doing stuff, I guess.

CSU/IP Interview

During my undergrad, I spent a  year at Heidelberg University with the California State University International Program. This is kinda why I started the whole "being abroad" thing. After working another 6 months for that program, I ended up moving to Berlin to start the GSP. Our coordinator from the CSU/IP contacted me recently, saying that they were looking to skype people in to record interviews and, given that I know how difficult it is to get alumni of exchange programs to say yes to anything, I immediately agreed. Here's the final product: an overview of the eleven selected members of the CSU/IP alumni.

feelings

I've been feeling very anxious lately.

↑ it me.

And I'm pretty sure that's just how it's going to be until...March of next year. That's the point (conservatively estimated) to which I can live in Berlin after I stop working in September and my money runs out. This, in conjunction with the actual things I have to accomplish (thesis, applications, job, whatever) and the other social pressures of generally being a human being have made me into a fun little ball of stress and back pain. I'm sure I'm very pleasant to be around at the moment so, for everyone that has had to put up with that: THANK YOU. ummmm yes, so this has been the theme of this post and my life, recently

I'm losing

I've just received the last rejection email from Cairo. This means I'll be staying in Berlin and hopefully starting a PhD this fall at the same university where I'm doing my Master's right now. Like I've mentioned before, this is not a very good idea because I won't be able to pay for it with my savings. Also, historically speaking, I haven't been doing too hot with applications so I'm not really sure if I can get a scholarship.

Let us reflect momentarily on the following words from Queen Bey...

And that's the gospel truth. 

I feel like I wasted a lot of time and energy on all of these research proposals that I probably should have spent working on my thesis (but didn't because escapism) 

I'm not really into feeling positive right now.  Sometimes, I have the energy for that. Sometimes, I feel like it doesn't matter what these random committees tell me what they think about me from reading pieces of paper. Sometimes, I remember that I speak multiple languages, have two bachelor's degrees and will very soon have a master's degree without ever relying on my parents for money. But, not really right now. 

I guess I'm losing but I haven't lost. 

Video update