Saturday, May 16, 2015

feelings

I've been feeling very anxious lately.

↑ it me.

And I'm pretty sure that's just how it's going to be until...March of next year. That's the point (conservatively estimated) to which I can live in Berlin after I stop working in September and my money runs out. This, in conjunction with the actual things I have to accomplish (thesis, applications, job, whatever) and the other social pressures of generally being a human being have made me into a fun little ball of stress and back pain. I'm sure I'm very pleasant to be around at the moment so, for everyone that has had to put up with that: THANK YOU. ummmm yes, so this has been the theme of this post and my life, recently

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

I'm losing

I've just received the last rejection email from Cairo. This means I'll be staying in Berlin and hopefully starting a PhD this fall at the same university where I'm doing my Master's right now. Like I've mentioned before, this is not a very good idea because I won't be able to pay for it with my savings. Also, historically speaking, I haven't been doing too hot with applications so I'm not really sure if I can get a scholarship.

Let us reflect momentarily on the following words from Queen Bey...



And that's the gospel truth. 

I feel like I wasted a lot of time and energy on all of these research proposals that I probably should have spent working on my thesis (but didn't because escapism) 

I'm not really into feeling positive right now.  Sometimes, I have the energy for that. Sometimes, I feel like it doesn't matter what these random committees tell me what they think about me from reading pieces of paper. Sometimes, I remember that I speak multiple languages, have two bachelor's degrees and will very soon have a master's degree without ever relying on my parents for money. But, not really right now. 

I guess I'm losing but I haven't lost. 


Saturday, May 2, 2015

anxiety

I went to the library I don't normally go to and my computer fell and broke. I blame the hectic energy and rushed feeling I always get when I go there.

My back is tweaked again and I was just starting to get a rhythm going with working out.

A friend of mine is going through a difficult time and I can't help but feel like I'm not doing enough for her.

Still have no idea what I'm going to do after September (except the one plan that is unsustainable)

Everything is a bit overwhelming at the moment.

But I have 31 pages and I'm going to the library.

One step at a time.