Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Bye, Berlin.

It turns out, I didn't get the scholarship that would have been my saving grace, and made it easier/possible to go back to Germany and do the PhD. It's unfortunate, and I'm upset about it. But, I also have to remember that it was never a given. And I've already achieved so much in my time abroad. It looks like my international adventure is coming to an end, at least for the time being.

So, I might have "failed" in a sense. But, I have failed spectacularly. 

Saturday, September 26, 2015

Last (?) blog from Berlin

And, as is tradition with this blog, here is a picture of my freshly packed Koffer




I've lived in this room for the last 15 months. I don't feel weird about leaving it per se, it's more of a strange feeling of going on to the next chapter of my life without exactly knowing what that chapter is going to look like. I've been hearing from friends and family and people who love me that everything is going to turn out okay.

So far, I've sent out 104 applications for jobs in the US, Germany, and other countries. It's all a bit nerve-wracking and I don't know what's going to happen. But, I feel like with my experience and degrees and languages and motivation, the only thing that could go wrong is I somehow fail to represent that in my resume or my cover letter doesn't convey it correctly for whatever reason. It's there; I know it is, I just hope someone recognizes it.

It kind of all boils down to waiting to hear back about that scholarship from the University. If they say yes, then all of this frantic applying will have been for naught. If they say no (which is likely), hopefully one of my attempts to find gainful employment will be fruitful.

I suppose I will know more after next Tuesday.

Saturday, September 19, 2015

I'm going back and forth

on coming back to Berlin after I go to the US for a month (ha. see what I did there?) My plan is...I don't know...to go there from the 26th of September to the 21st of October. At least I'm looking forward to seeing my family and friends and eating food and enjoying California weather.

The scholarship committee pushed back their decision date. I won't know now until September 29th. Also, the final transcript of my MA will probably not be ready for the official admission to the PhD program on the 19th of October. I have my appointment with the foreigner office on the 10th of November, which is just inconvenient because I might not get my visa extended and then have to leave the country after being back in Berlin for two weeks. (also finding an apartment? buh)

In the past three weeks, I've applied for about 50 jobs in the US, Germany, and a couple of other places. So far, all I've made it to is the second round of a mostly unpaid position in Peru, which would be cool other than the no money part. All the other things are mired in bureaucracy, meaning I will have to wait until mid to late October to hear back. I also have an interview next week for a job at a bookstore in Berlin to keep me afloat, should I decide to come back and the person in the foreigner office decides to be merciful. There are so many uncertainties and I feel defeated and overwhelmed. It's all like a giant chain of events/syllogism: If A, then B, then C but if not A but B, then not C and also if 4 then 9 and purple but also § and ?..... oh :(

It's possibly my last weekend living in Berlin, and my throat hurts and I'm just laying here, spinning my bogged-down wheels and sifting through stale job ads. Hope something gives soon. 

Monday, September 14, 2015

Bruchzone


So I hope one day very soon my blog/videos/life won't have this "wah wah I don't know what's going on" flavor that they've been having for the past...while. But anyways here's a video. 

Saturday, August 1, 2015

What I want

Been thinking about this a lot. Since turning in my thesis and finishing up most of what I need to do for my jobs, I've had a lot of time to reflect on the current state of things. I've also unfortunately been receiving a lot of rejection letters for jobs and scholarships and whatnot, which feels a bit like an ever-tightening noose, but I guess that's neither here nor there.

The bigger question is: what do I want?

I am slated to start my PhD in October, which includes teaching a class (that starts the same day I fly back) on my dissertation topic: the proposed sociological benefits of a residence period in Germany. It sounds okay in theory, but, again, no funding. Also, I'm still feeling that insecurity of wondering whether I'm legit enough to successfully finish a PhD. I guess if I don't get the funding, it won't matter. In any case, I think mostly what I want with this whole endeavor is to

 self-actualize (which I suppose I could do in other ways)

 be active in/research a field that I feel strongly about (but does that necessarily have to be here and now in this form?)

 be comfortable and stable for the first time in a while (which would only be the illusion of safety)

So, as you can see, I shall go forth with confidence. Assuredness abounds!






Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

CSU/IP Interview

During my undergrad, I spent a  year at Heidelberg University with the California State University International Program. This is kinda why I started the whole "being abroad" thing. After working another 6 months for that program, I ended up moving to Berlin to start the GSP. Our coordinator from the CSU/IP contacted me recently, saying that they were looking to skype people in to record interviews and, given that I know how difficult it is to get alumni of exchange programs to say yes to anything, I immediately agreed. Here's the final product: an overview of the eleven selected members of the CSU/IP alumni.


Saturday, May 16, 2015

feelings

I've been feeling very anxious lately.

↑ it me.

And I'm pretty sure that's just how it's going to be until...March of next year. That's the point (conservatively estimated) to which I can live in Berlin after I stop working in September and my money runs out. This, in conjunction with the actual things I have to accomplish (thesis, applications, job, whatever) and the other social pressures of generally being a human being have made me into a fun little ball of stress and back pain. I'm sure I'm very pleasant to be around at the moment so, for everyone that has had to put up with that: THANK YOU. ummmm yes, so this has been the theme of this post and my life, recently

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

I'm losing

I've just received the last rejection email from Cairo. This means I'll be staying in Berlin and hopefully starting a PhD this fall at the same university where I'm doing my Master's right now. Like I've mentioned before, this is not a very good idea because I won't be able to pay for it with my savings. Also, historically speaking, I haven't been doing too hot with applications so I'm not really sure if I can get a scholarship.

Let us reflect momentarily on the following words from Queen Bey...



And that's the gospel truth. 

I feel like I wasted a lot of time and energy on all of these research proposals that I probably should have spent working on my thesis (but didn't because escapism) 

I'm not really into feeling positive right now.  Sometimes, I have the energy for that. Sometimes, I feel like it doesn't matter what these random committees tell me what they think about me from reading pieces of paper. Sometimes, I remember that I speak multiple languages, have two bachelor's degrees and will very soon have a master's degree without ever relying on my parents for money. But, not really right now. 

I guess I'm losing but I haven't lost. 


Saturday, May 2, 2015

anxiety

I went to the library I don't normally go to and my computer fell and broke. I blame the hectic energy and rushed feeling I always get when I go there.

My back is tweaked again and I was just starting to get a rhythm going with working out.

A friend of mine is going through a difficult time and I can't help but feel like I'm not doing enough for her.

Still have no idea what I'm going to do after September (except the one plan that is unsustainable)

Everything is a bit overwhelming at the moment.

But I have 31 pages and I'm going to the library.

One step at a time.

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Setback

I have 16 rough pages of my thesis done. It's getting more and more difficult to focus on writing because the weather is finally getting good. Also, academia and I are not on good terms at the moment, as I just got my penultimate rejection email. I applied to four PhD programs and one MA certificate program and so far, three of the PhD programs have rejected me. It's not that I'm actually very sad about the rejection, (I could have written the best proposal in the world, but if they don't want my topic/profile then that's that) I'm mostly upset about the fact that this means I still don't know what I'm going to be doing or where I'm going to be doing it after September.

Current plan is to register for the Global Studies Program PhD and see if I can find funding somewhere else. I'm not a huge fan of this plan, as it basically means pretending to write while desperately searching for a job/scholarship and thereby reverting back to a place I hoped I had left behind. I doubt I'll get into the last PhD program and the MA certificate in Egypt seems like such a long shot.

I'm really hoping for some good news...

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

House-sitting and thesis-writing

Here I am, somewhere between Potsdam and Berlin, taking care of one small dog and four small cats.

I'm sitting on the balcony. It's currently 22° and this makes me happy beyond measure. I've really come to notice how utterly correlated the temperature is with my mood. Sun out = smiles.

I was expecting to get a few things done out here. Mostly just starting the actual writing part of my thesis. It's gone well these last couple days. I have an unedited 10 pages done so far which is 1/6th of the way there. I hope to be able to maintain this pace and be completely done by June.

Which leads me to the next question: what next?

I've received two rejection letters from potential PhD programs thus far. It's not a great feeling but, in comparison to applying for my master's, it's not really that bad. I know I have options. I speak 3 languages fluently, I'll have a degree from two prestigious universities in different countries, I'm hustlin and I'll find something. I'd just like for it to manifest itself sooner rather than later. 

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Back in Berlin

Time to focus.

Went to Rome and now I'm back. It was good to get out of the city for a minute, especially because I got to see my best friend from San Francisco. A lot of it was just ignoring my (somewhat pressing) responsibilities.




Our hotel was by the Spanish Steps

did all the tourist-y things like colosseum and sistine chapel and whatnot

And now I'm back to the grind. I arrived late last night and was hoping that I would wake up this morning fully energized and ready to go. But, for some reason, that hasn't happened yet. I've still done stuff but I guess my heart isn't in it. Oh well, I can't let a little thing like laziness stand in the way of getting stuff done. I have too much to do. 




Friday, February 27, 2015

Sick

and I'm really not into it. I can't sing or talk. I can't hang out with friends. I can't do the stuff I need to do.

My head is full of fuzz and my body is achy. Blegh. I am probably one of the complainiest sick people on this planet. I'm just so BORED.

In other news...I've done literally nothing at all. Well, that's not true. I've gotten 52 out of the 100 interviews I'm supposed to get done. I posted an event in the alumni facebook group of my organization, asking people to kindly stop being selfish and do something for the organization that gave them thousands of Euros and a chance to better their lives. Will see how successful nagging them in this way is going to be.

I'm going on a trip to Rome, to visit a friend from my undergrad that I haven't seen in years. Hopefully I'll be completely healthy by the time that rolls around. Another thing about this being sick business: stuff I don't  normally do (travel, go on dates, stay out late at night, etc.) has been popping up and I am literally physically incapable of doing it. Ugh.

So, in conclusion, waah waah I wish I was healthy and that my thesis would write itself. 

Thursday, February 12, 2015

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Envelopes

So, let's compare this picture I took and uploaded to Facebook on the 6th of December 2012:


Those are envelopes containing my hopes and dreams of getting into a masters program. Luckily, I managed to get into every single German school that I applied for. "Which one should I choose?" was a wonderful dilemma. 

The PhD version looks like this:


I'm really hoping to have at least some of the success that I managed to garner in my first attempt two years ago. This is just the first round; I still have to prepare a couple whose deadlines are a bit later. After the end/middle of February, though, I will enter that state of constant "what if? did I do it right? I hope I hope I hope". It probably won't end until September, but I'm ready. 




Monday, January 26, 2015

Und in einem Monat, sieht die Welt ganz anders aus

And next month, everything will look totally different...

     Wise words from someone I've been spending a lot of time with. Everything is moving so quickly. I have deadlines coming up for applications, and this weekend I couldn't really devote much time to anything other than this conference where I was helping out. I did, however, manage to go to a YFU (one of my organization's partners) event, where a professor of Universität Mainz held a speech on a topic similar to that of my thesis. It was a great opportunity to learn and network. I even managed to get a couple of cards from representatives of the US embassy, which could turn into valuable contacts in the future. Everyone seemed to be respond really positively when I talked about my topic and potential findings. "I can't wait for the results" was something I heard more than once. Well...haha...me neither, I guess.
      There's still this slight sensation of  "am I doing this right? What if it turns out to be completely useless?" But, I suppose that's normal. Doubts are a part of life. I literally have no idea what I'm going to be doing after September. I could be in Cairo, Berlin, Gießen, Bremen, Leipzig, San Francisco, or even Heidelberg again. I just don't know. It's simultaneously exciting and terrifying. 

Friday, January 16, 2015

Transition phase (round 2)

Fight!

I am literally going through the advanced version of what I went through to get where I am today. I'm almost done with my Master's...just gotta write the thesis and get all the bureaucratic stuff handled before I go on to the next step:

PhD

When I started this academic journey, I didn't think that's what I wanted to do. But now, I can't really imagine doing anything else.

I've had a bit of time to reflect and think about what I want. I also read the last few posts of my old blog...and I really want to tell myself (both then and now) "ssshhh everything is going to be alright"

The one that really struck me is this post about what options I had. Everything back then was so touch and go...but I can say with 100% surety that I did the right thing.

My current situation is essentially the same (after finishing that the tiny issue of writing my thesis). Essentially I have:

Plan A: Do a PhD in Global Studies at Humboldt University. Basically the same as what I did for MA but between two countries instead of three and I basically have to write a book at the end. My current thesis advisor has already agreed to be my Doktorvater, and has said would support me in the application process. The only problem is that I would need to find funding somewhere else (like the Rosa Luxemburg Stiftung, Hansen Stiftung, Heinrich-Boll Stiftung, blahblahblah)

Plan B: Do a PhD at the Berlin Graduate School of Transnational Studies. This would be all included but, I think it's also much more competitive. I also think that this would be the best choice in terms of resources available. It's a cooperation between Freie Universität, Hertie School of Governance, and the Social Science Research Center Berlin, all of which are great institutions.

Plan C: Do a MA-TESL certificate in Egypt at the American University Cairo. This option is really attractive to me because it's all paid and basically I'd be learning Arabic the entire time, teaching a few classes in English a week, and getting a certificate at the end.

Plan D:  Do a PhD in Gießen. Based on the location, not as attractive as the others but would be paid.

Plan E: Bremen International Graduate School of Social Sciences. Mostly, I just like the acronym BIGSSS. Similarly to Gießen, it's not very geographically attractive, but the program seems solid.

Plan F: European University Viadrina at Frankfurt (Oder). I got into grad school here but this is another story. Also, not paid.

Plan G: Freie Universität Berlin. Talked to a professor here who is doing a really interesting project on social inequality and transnational human capital, which is similar to what I'm interested in doing. He mentioned there might be a new project for next year but that would be a year too late for me. Also, not paid.

It would be awesome if I had the same success rate for PhD programs as I did for MA. I catch myself going through the exact same pattern of "what if I don't get in anywhere/no I'll get in somewhere/BUT what if I don't get in anywhere??" and it's nice to know that it can possibly work out. I made it this far...still, this is a completely different level of difficulty. Oh well, all I can do is try (and by that I mean obsess over applications for the next half year) and see what happens.


Sunday, January 4, 2015

Jahreswechsel

These past holidays were a bit strenuous, but nice overall. I decided that, because I couldn't really afford to go back to the US, I would book a random flight using Germanwings' Blindbooking service and try to beat the holiday feels. I ended up getting a flight to Switzerland, which turned out to be an interesting experience




 

It snowed a LOT. But it was nicer than Berlin snow (which turns grey and gross after about half a day) I met up with a lot of nice Swiss people from Couchsurfing.com. My main takeaway from the whole experience is that Zurich is a very clean, luxurious, and expensive place. My hosts were all lovely and very hospitable, especially my friend who invited me to visit his family in Berne for Christmas itself.
I also got to see the friends that I made in Buenos Aires during a three-day stint I made back to Freiburg between Christmas and New Years. Despite some logistical awkwardness, I was really glad to see all of them after not seeing them since India (6 months ago!)

Now that I'm back in Berlin, I really have to dig in and focus on what I have to do: analyze my interview data, start writing, look for scholarships for my PhD, finish my application for this fellowship in Egypt, and flesh out any other options I might have after successfully finishing my thesis in August/September. Reality is coming, I just have to be ready for it.